All The Kings Horses and All The Kings Men

It's a strange feeling, losing control of your own mind.

Having thoughts you wish weren't there, and feelings that defy all logic and belief. Considering things which you would normally turn away from, yet for some reason, seem the only logical solution in that moment, that hour, that day.

It's scary to come out of that alive, knowing how it feels, remembering the terror as you fought against your own mind as it turned against you, and realising that it could all happen again. Suddenly realising how it came to be that way, and how fragile you now are, sitting on a precipice with so little standing between you now, and you then.

You look back and you can see all the warning signs, and worse than that, you can see all the cries for help. But you weren't crying loud enough. You thought you could just keep going. That it would be ok, that you would get through this one, just like all the times before.

But this time you have a baby to look after.

You can't look after yourself the way you did 'all the times before'. You have to get up every day. You have to smile and play and pretend everything is ok. Because those innocent eyes look up to you, and watch you and are learning from you. You are now responsible for another human, and there is no time or space to go back to your old coping habits.

You see it coming. You feel it creeping up on you, but this time, you try to ignore it. You try to make it go away. You hear the voices creeping back in, the irritability crawling across your skin. This time, you ask for help but it's too late.

You suddenly can't look at your baby. You can't handle the chaos, the noise, the life happening around you, and so, you fall apart.

It's a strange feeling, losing control of your mind.

It's terrifying realising you can't pick yourself up this time.

It's soul destroying to realise you have to stop. You have to get of the train and leave your life for a while in order to get better. That you have to give yourself over to others to look after you. To trust that they can help you.

But in the end, it is only you who can really put you back together.

Putting Me Back Together Again

Sleep turned out to be my biggest trigger. Of course, sleep with a baby in the house is almost hypothetical. We now take it in turns to look after her, but that doesn't mean I am able (yet) to sleep through her regular crying. I do look forward to those nights 'off' now, and am trying to rest when I can in the day time.

Time out. Simple enough, but nearly impossible to achieve in the first few months of Baby's life. Since we have started daycare, I have four hours a day to myself. It's definitely working, because I know for a fact that those four hours, have single handedly saved me from relapsing already. The hardest part is forcing myself to relax, not just clean, clean, clean.

Watching that I eat for nutrition not comfort is vitally important. The worse I get, the worse I eat. So trying to eat right in order to stay sane is another challenge. Again, with a new baby in the house you are often lucky to find time to eat at all, so that didn't help. So I've adopted a strategy - sugar free may! I don't feel restricted, and I can eat lots of mac and cheese. Yum! (Plus I'm already losing weight! BONUS!)

The isolation of new motherhood is also a big contributor. Many people think that becoming a mum means play groups and endless coffee dates. But those people would be mistaken. My husband was managing to go out and see friends, plus he had his daily social interactions with workmates. But somehow, I was letting friends fall through the cracks. I never saw anyone. Taking the time to actually arrange things is a big priority right now.

Sleep. Time Out. Food. Friends.

All these things can be managed. And manage them I shall.
Because I have to. For her sake, for his sake, and for my sake.

• If you need immediate help, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255)(US)  or Lifeline 0800 543 354 (NZ), or contact your local Psychiatric Emergency Services.

• If you are looking for pregnancy or postpartum support and local resources, please call or email us:

Call PSI Warmline (English & Spanish) 1-800-944-4PPD (4773) (note: NZ also has a warmline for each DHB, so please google their number as they are all different)
Email support@postpartum.net